Progress since my last post: ZERO. To be honest, I have continued in my same old lethargic pattern since I described my starving romance. I came across an old journal entry and I found that the prayer I had then, matches the prayer in my heart now. I love how we are all free to be vulnerable with the Father. I know that He never laughs at our ambitions, our "dreams," or even our insecurities. It brings peace and rest to my heart.
"We haven't spoken in ages... This is all my doing. My first selfish inclination is to create elaborate excuses for my unacceptable lethargy, but I know that none of them would have any value. I have no excuse. I am a selfish person. I first pursue my self-preservation. I scheme out ways to "better" my life, or at least, what I think would make me happy, and I desire to glorify and satisfy myself above all else. I am a selfish person. I feel so weak and inadequate when I come to you like this; having nothing of eternal worth or value to offer up to you. All that I can give is my heart, soul, and mind. Father, you are so magnificent and awe-inspiring. That you would give us free will; the freedom to accept or reject you... Now THAT is unfathomable love. Papa, I'm sorry. Forgive me of my many transgressions. I am a lowly, despicable, and disgusting sinner. But Father, I have no chance or hope of life without you. I need you. I need you to love me and accept me. Papa, in total honesty, I often feel so insecure. I feel like I never measure up, like I don't have any talents or gifts. But I know your love changes that. I am now viewed through your perfect eyes; the eyes that see my potential, my pain, my joy. Father, help me to focus on you first. Above all, I ask to grow more in love and in understanding of you. I love you. -Amen"